Making BIG decisions when opposites attract.

The Couch Conflict

Greetings & Salutations Friends!  This is funny & tricky & we all gotta deal with some version of it when we share our existence with anyone.  Husband, wife, co-worker, class mate, yoga buddy...we all gotta share the same space at some point with others...so let's deep dive into compromise when we don't see eye to eye. 

What do you do when you love someone so much...like...more then words can say & you can't agree on something important?  Many-a-times back as a youngin, I remember knowing couples who couldn't agree on having kids & well...to me, that is the ultimate deal breaker.  Tricia & Rob were the CUTEST couple, but sadly had to split because of the kid conflict. She wanted kids. He didn't. This break up?  It was just not at all right. They were so in love. I always swore that neither of them would ever be the same, love the same or act the same after this very sad split.  When they split...something was off.  We all tried to help, intervene, offer solutions, but nothing seemed to work. From that dreaded Tricia & Rob debacle, every other spousal disagreement seemed easy to me....most common conflicts are easily resolvable.

When Manny & I moved in together, our biggest challenge was he insisted that there be no dogs on the couches or the bed.  I wanted the opposite. I think it was the first & only time I wondered...is he the one for me? My mind went immediately back to the "kids" conflict & my friends Tricia & Rob. Thankfully, Manny gave in & to this day, we all gather on the bed at night in a big pile of love!  He may complain at times, but I know he wouldn't have it any other way.  Like our pups, most things can be compromised.  Which brings me to this...THE COUCH CONFLICT which I am in the throws of. If you've walked through the Good Soul lobby anytime recently, you've probably heard me crying about it.

So as Mark Manson so brilliantly put in his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*&%, basically, you have to take the good with the bad. In other words, if you want to be in a successful ANYTHING...it's not can you do it, it's can you endure the many challenges that getting to the peak presents. In this case, if you want a husband who is loyal, caring, present, happy to be around you & willing to enthusiastically play an active role in the household happenings, he's ALSO going to (most likely) want to have a voice in most decisions. 

Well, my husband is just that.  From the day we met he is available to lovingly do anything from watch Netflix to decide on what's for dinner.  He's my best friend, my partner, my true companion.  I love all of this. I live for all of this. I am a hopeless romantic who happens to be CRAZY ABOUT HIM...but here's the rub, he want's to have an equal say in the color & style & vibe of our home decor & furniture. Oh how we differ.  He wants comfort & practicality & I want it to look really good & feel really good. I was in shock.  I'll never forget when I first moved here & I went out and got us a outdoor sectional & when I returned home thinking he would be over the moon excited, he was terribly miffed that he didn't have a say.  He doesn't like "U" shaped couches & how could I possibly do such a thing without his consent. I was heartbroken.  What I'm used to is a my dad not caring the LEAST about how my mother chose to decorate the house. He would hand her the check book & be on his way.  I will say, HOWEVER, he was always busy at work, spent little of his waking hours at home & until the day he died, probably didn't know my age...he was THE BEST,  just in different ways then Manny.

Back to today.  We are on the tail end of building a house & all sorts of decisions need to be made. While I love a good Joybird, Anthro/Urban Outfitters, West Elm with a splash of Ikea to water things down a bit, he's more of the Big Lots, Lazy-Boy, man cave type vibe (GREAEEAAAT). I have a vision of a big beautiful fluffy white Cloud Couch form Restoration...he's seeing a dark brown puffy leather looking thing ("stadium seating"?).  And I cry.  I want to make him happy, but at the same time...I WANT TO BEEEEE HAPPY.  I love fashion and decor & I love to make a heart flutter with a magical vibe & that includes (probably more then anything) when you walk into my house.  The house we are building (which I've so aptly named, the Bohemian Bungalow) is an open floor plan & what I DON'T want people to see when they walk in is the couch equivalent to a football plopped center in our space. Turns out I'm not alone.  A simple Google search will tell you that many-a-couples suffer from COUCH CONFLICT.  I found many articles written by women in a similar predicament. Le sigh....

Thankfully, in 2023, it's not your Mama's Lazy-Boy & there is a happy medium they we will find.  Creating parameters & finding a few options is what every women agrees on. Side bar, my friend Maryann explained to me that one of her stipulations with her husband Ian was, "THERE WILL BE NO BUILT IN CUP HOLDERS IN ANY OF OUR FURNITURE". I cry, but this time, laughing.

One night last week, I got a rapid fire of emails from Manny (as he sat right next to me) with links to, what I would consider, the MOST GOD AWFUL looking couches I have ever seen. I immediately texted my friend Sandy something along the lines of..."I'm having a nervous breakdown, I can't breathe & something like...please help me". When she figured out that I was ok & it was just couches, she just laughed & also suggested the multiple choice solution.  After showing the images to various women in the studio, I thought I might make a video montage of their reactions...all, priceless. 

So here's where I'm at.  Here's the moral of the story...compromise.  Make it easy. I can agree to the leather, but a recliner will be off to the side.  Like I said, Lazy Boy has come a long was & they have some sleek stuff that I can live with.  There will be no cup holders (which we have now ahahahah) so that I can rest my head in his lap when we watch movies.  With the right pillow & area rug (multiple choice completed successfully last week) everything else fun that defines the vibe of a room, I'll be happy, he'll be happy & we'll enjoy watching Netflix being comfy cozy on a couch we both love knowing full & well, we did it with a mutual respect for each others needs in this perfect collaboration we call, our marriage. 

So yes, what I will do is compile, yet another, collage of about 4-6 couches that I love & let him decide.  Let's pray it works. Ladies & Gentleman I am willing to talk you off a COUCH CONFLICT (or insert your very own personal situation) should you need me to.  Thank you for being here.  Thank you for letting me share all of this. TOGETHER GUYS...WE CONTINUE TO RISE & dance with life together in the process.  Have the happiest day! Love love love love you guys!

*PS this was a blog post written this past spring & in light of  the new blog format, I though I would share due to it's overwhelming feedback.

Imma say this again for the beauties in the back. SUCCESS IS LIKING YOURSELF, LIKING WHAT YOU DO AND LIKING HOW YOU DO IT. - Maya Angelou

WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW.  So much to unpack on this one.  It's a FUN ONE! ...but first, happy EVERYTHING Friends!

So this line of thinking means so much. Leave it to Maya to spell it out just right.  For me, most of my time is spent having my eye on the prize. I'm not talking cars and designer handbags and fancy things, but more....finding fulfillment in being PERFECTLY ME and being happy as a clam doing it.  my gosh…the road was long. It took forever for me to admit that I kinda like me. Please know, not in a boastful, I'm King S%*T kinda way...there are plenty of things about me that need fixing, but I'm cool with them all.  Within them lies aaaaaalllll the wisdom. So how do I move through the tough stuff & uncertainty? I set some goals and got to work. In this process, I've been handed some blessings and challenges, but the "ideal me" will forever be in the works and DAMN...it feels good to process it all! Allowing myself to blossom is a privilege I truly believe I have earned at this ripe old age. It's taken a lot of time and I still have a ways to go. For sure I still have shitty days so there's that. Seriously, I can't believe I'm 51! (I still feel like I'm 17...but I'll save that for another blog post) All that being said, the BEST thing I’ve learned so far I'm not afraid anymore. So high time I start putting all those miles I've earned to work....FOR YOU GUYS.  FOR THE WORLD AROUND ME.

The struggle is real guys. As women (and men too), we've always been taught by society to be "not too this and not too that but focus on this and you have to be more of that". Exhausting. The reality is, you have to know who you are and know what you want. So about 15 years ago here's what I did (because I wasn't quite happy enough being me…like, AT ALL)... After lots of yoga and prayer and reading and turning inward and LOTS LOTS LOTS of self help reading, I marched myself down to Anthropologie in Shrewsbury, NJ, bought myself an overpriced journal (a very pretty overpriced journal)….and in that journal, I wrote down who I want to be, how I want to feel, what I what to represent and yes, the things in life I would like to have. It's about 100 pages in length fully outfitted with pictures and quotes and intentions and goals and plans and dreams. What did Henriette Anne Klauser say? "Write it down, make it happen".  So that's just what I did!  I TELL YOU, IT WORKS! We all just need a solid plan! That's the secret sauce!

Whatever it is you want from your life....whether it's a ham sandwich or a Bugati...a Monet, immersion blender, turntable with a huge record collection or a meditation alter...it's YOURS.  You are the architect.  You are the curator.  YOU GET TO DECIDE. Just walk in it.  There is nothing in the world that is stopping you from living the life that you LIKE - liking how you do it. We have journals in the Good Soul lobby.  Why? For exactly this!  To allow you to articulate your hearts desire for all the world to hear. Come up with a plan because as we all know, it will NOT just come knocking at your door and you must be an active participant in the development of any all of your achievements. From there take massive action, be honest and ethical while in the process, be prepared for alternate opportunities that might or might not involve rejection, trust the process and let it all flow your way. All the gifts.  All the things.  All the love.  All the adventure.

While on the upswing, don't feel guilty. Don't let people who are on a different path shame you into believing "you've changed". Don't let people tell you that you had a leg up and you don't deserve it. They have no idea what you've endured. A lot of people have rich daddies and good looks.  That simply doesn't matter. That won't guarantee you anything other then a fancy Christmas dinner or cat calls on the street. Don't allow yourself to be small to protect someone else's fragile state.  The BEST thing you can do is live fully and inspire them.  The WORST thing you should do is flip them the bird and put them down.  Don’t be a mean person. RISE.  RISE.  RISE and inspire them to do the same. Don't jump in the sandbox and act in any way that's not empowering to you or those around you. Even those who seem to be pushing against you. They were put there for good reason. To teach you.  Remember, we are all mirrors.

I write all of this full aware that the plug can be pulled and the world can bottom out below me at any given ttime, but the best part is, I'm not afraid.  I know there is not a thing in the world that I can't handle. It may get muddy and sticky and heavy at times, but that's what life is. I want to drink up all of it.  I will stay humble, grateful and fully prepared for whatever comes my way.  THIS is the time when I refrence my Anthtro journal which remains my guiding light to this day. My life has shifted, some of my goals have changed, but the underlying message is there. I know who I am, what I want & where I wanna be. I love you guys.  Stay strong. Love the world around you. BE honest. Success in not a dirty word. Design what that looks like for you and WALK IN IT!  Remember, write it down.  Make it happen.

Wanna change your world? Oh Honey, just be kind!

HELLO BEAUTIFUL! YES…YOU! Oh so many times in our lives, we're on the receiving end of a person's anger. As littles, we don't realize this behavior is a reflection of how a person felt inside and wasn’t about us at all.

For me, I thought people were angry because I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong. I felt like if I could just be perfect enough or sweet enough, maybe they would love me. I tried and tried, but trying to be perfect didn’t work. It actually made things worse because I was left feeling super frustrated. It’s taken me many many moons to realize that I’m responsible for my own behavior and can’t control others perceive me or how they treat me. I now focus on behaving with kindness to everyone and my relationships have improved dramatically. It’s not always easy, but so many methods have helped. If someone triggers fear and anxiety, don’t respond until you are calm. This is always hard for me. I wanna fix it NOW!

Reacting to someone rather than responding from a place of calm rarely goes well. I’ve learned that I don’t have to answer every question. I can say, “Let’s shelf this until. later on,” and come back after I’ve cooled off. Viva la difference!

When someone projects their. rough stuff and bad feelings onto you, it’s okay to walk away. I came to the realization that I was walking into certain situations in a state of frustration or I was feeling competitive; I was completely fueling the fire. An amazing thing happened when I stopped walking in that way…I found it to be contagious! It seemed to positively affect everyone’s energy. There is a sense of peace in our interactions that wasn’t there before.

Now, when I walk into any situation at the studio or with family, I check my attitude when I walk in the door. Often, that makes a big difference. When you don’t add your fuel to the fire, sometimes the fire goes out. Don’t make up stories about the motivations of others. I’ve come to understand that a lot of the things I think in my head aren’t true.

If a friend calls and cancels, I tell myself it’s because she doesn’t want to hang out with me. If my husband is in a bad mood, I tell myself it’s because he’s unhappy with me. I don’t know any of those things. They are only stories in my head. These stories create defensiveness in me, which creates conflict where none exists. There are a million reasons people might cancel plans or be in a bad mood. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you.

You can’t make another person happy or unhappy. Another person cannot make you happy or unhappy. A person’s happiness comes from their own thoughts and behavior, not what someone else is doing. The next time someone does something and you assume you know why, question whether you really know if that’s true. Try love first.

Most people are doing the best they can based on what life has taught them. We are all in this together and at our core, we are basically good. Hatred and anger cannot wipe out hatred and anger. But sometimes love and understanding can. I was always waiting for an apology or a change in behavior from the other person. Sometimes it has to begin with you. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that the other person may never change. What is hurting you most is your behavior toward them. Changing that will help you feel better. Resentment will poison you from the inside. Forgive the other person for yourself. Let the anger go. Amazingly, sometimes that also changes the other person. But you have to go first.

Love is worth a try. Give it a shot. Set boundaries when needed. Part of learning to love yourself is learning to listen to your gut and speak your truth. If someone is being unkind to you, say something. Don’t let others treat you poorly. Treat yourself with love and compassion. Don’t blame, criticize, or complain. Calmly state your boundaries. Sometimes, relationships don’t work out. Sometimes, you need stronger boundaries. But changing your behavior instead of waiting for the world to change gives you back your personal power.

Come from kindness and watch your world change. Have the MOST fantastic day!  Thank you so much for reading my rant!